The Next Step

A beautiful lady died today. It seems as if the world should stop, at least for a minute. But I see nothing changed around me. Just a sense of saddness. She was not a family member, yet I knew her better than I know some of my own family, and she cared about people (including me) more than some families do. Which reminds me what it's all about. What about me? You? Will there be many who will mourn us? What kind of impact will we have on those we leave behind?? D was a beautiful woman because she loved others as much as she loved herself. She showed me how much fun it could be to get with a few ladies and go to a craft show or the Mennonite Relief Sale. (She had her "plan" for the relief sale- what order you did things---which was great, cause it was so much more fun that way!) She was very physically active -I would see her out walking around town and realize that she had a beautiful bod because of hard work!

I knew her because her mother and my grandmother were best friends. (now, THERE were two ladies who could give us ALL advice on long-term friendship!) When my Grandmother would have all of the family in for Sunday dinner, they were often invited (unless they had other family plans). D could tell that a baby's diaper needed to be changed before anyone else in the room had a clue. She adored her neices and nephews, and talked about them and their children with as much pride as any grandma. She looked out for me while I was at JMU. I think of her every Christmas, as she found many of the "patterns" for the crocheted snowflakes her mother made and distributed to us for our Christmas trees. (my wedding shower request to them--snowflakes!)

I had heard, through family channels, that she appeared to be losing the hard fought battle with the big C. She was home recuperating from major surgery. I knew I should go by and visit. Yet I hesitated. What do you say? I hadn't seen her for a long time, (since my Grandmother died we didn't have those family dinners ) yet I felt compelled to go. Because of the direction the Lord has been taking me over the last several years, I have prayed for complete healing for many people, and believe that I will be completely healed as well. So if I will go once a month to pray for someone I hardly know to recover from a coma, why wouldn't I go to someone I care for very much? Did I really think she'd say "No, thank you"?

Fridays during the homeschool co-op I sometimes have an hour or two to myself. I spend it running errands without extra "help". That Friday was one of those days. I drove past her house once (you see, it's right by the co-op) and went through the drive-through and got breakfast. (yeah, food will help things-not) I wrestled with myself, or should I say my selfish self wrestled with the Holy Spirit. So I drove over to the Wal-Mart and sat in the parking lot. You see, I HAD a large list of TO-DO items, so I really didn't have the time, right?? I won't travel further into narcissism to explain what all went through my head.

Finally I said out loud. "OK, I give up! I'll do it! " So with anxiety and trepidation I went over. I tentatively knocked on the door. Nothing. Ok, I'll get in the car and find a piece of paper and leave a short note. (NO) I knocked again, this time much more confidently. I waited. All I could hear were the melodious chimes ringing on the porch. (a surprise gift for her husband I found out later) Finally he came to the door, having been downstairs, she being too weak to come to the door, and neither of us could hear her call.

I went in and sat down. It was a beautiful time. She looked weak but still had all the spunk and teasing nature she always had. Although it winded her to speak for long, she enjoyed asking questions about my family. She told me about her neice and grand-neices and nephews and it was obvious how much she adored them. She wept that her condition had caused her to need to limit their visits to one at a time, instead of giving them full reign of the house- as normal. She showed me her scars. Finally, I realized that I must leave soon, so as to get back to my assigned duties. Looking at the beautiful flowers, I apologized for not bringing something -a gift. (did I say that was one of the reasons I gave God for not going that day? I had forgotten to even make my staple- bread- to take)

I felt like Peter and John "Silver and Gold have I none...but what I have I give you..." I so wanted to see her rise up and walk. So I prayed. It wasn't special flowery speech, but it was heartfelt. And even with Hospice making visits, I prayed that the Lord would heal her completely. I believed He would. We both cried. Her last words to me were a reassurance that my gift was enough. "It does more good than you realize." she said.

Later that day I told my dh that I had not gotten anything done that I was supposed to that day. But I felt that I had done what was important. So we all as a family took time to do the errands. What loss was that? A little time? It was eternity.

So today I grieve, but Im not filled with what-if's. I hope God gives me the opportunity again and again to do what is important. I hope I listen.