I have been having a very hard time writing lately. And I guess it shows. (smile)
The truth is, I know that I need to write what's on my heart, but in some ways I don't really want to. There's no way that words of any kind would adequately describe what I'm feeling, and yet it deserves to be written.
So I've done nothing.
Literally and figuratively.
I've come to realize that I've been mad at God.
(it's OK, I've told Him)
You see, it's easier to be mad at Him than mad at myself.
Let me explain. This beautiful woman died on Valentines day. She (and her doctor) thought she had a migraine. It was actually an aneurysm. Before anyone could diagnose it. it ruptured. She never regained consciousness. She underwent emergency surgery, but never recovered.
I first met Janet because she worked with my parents on a brilliant new idea for children's ministry. It was her brain-child. While I appreciated her amazing talent, I was not interested in children, OR children's ministry. She was a friend of my parents. There would be times over the years that she and I would both be at my parents house and she'd give me that look, - the one that says, "I know your sign says 'do not knock', but do you really mean it? Can't you come out and play?" I would choose not to answer. She would respect that.
Years passed. We both became mothers, we would see one another in passing, and be pleasant.
I respected her a lot for her talents and we worked together over the years on our church's passion play each spring. We wept at the foot of the cross together in costume. I admired the choices I saw her make regarding the adoption of her young nieces.
Fast forward to a few years ago. I can't remember exactly what year it was, but I remember it vividly. Our annual Ladies' retreat was in Roanoke, Va. Our speaker was phenomenal, but beyond that, the Holy Spirit moved on many of us that weekend. There were many stories of miracle babies, healing and restoration. Janet was one of those "banner" restorations. In a nutshell, she received a revelation of God's love for her. In a powerful way. Its outward expression was simply this... she would shout "JESUS IS IN THE HOUSE!!!"
And He was. He was powerfully in her "house". This multi-talented, but quiet, woman became outspoken, passionately expressive and filled with power from God himself.
They say you judge the health of a tree by its fruit, and absolutely no one could deny that her life was bearing fruit. This woman that I had little interest in knowing, now was exceptionally fascinating to me. (That's what the power of Jesus in your life can do..it will attract even stubborn people like me)
What was amazing was that, somehow, because I was one of the people with my hand on her shoulder and praying for her at the time she received this revelation of God's love, that somehow she felt closer to us. She would express this time and again, that she felt a real connection with those of us who were praying with her at the time. (I had absolutely nothing to do with it, I was only privileged to be a participant)
From that weekend on, our relationship grew. I loved her like a sister. We both home schooled and co-op'ed together. We would visit while feeding our children at the golden arches after co-op on Fridays. When she stopped homeschooling, we didn't see each other as much, but we were still friendly at church. I rejoiced with her at the marvelous provision of a baby girl (and she never complained, not once, about being at an advanced maternal age, as they put it now). In the fall she'd check with me about rooming together for the Ladies retreat again. We'd work something out. I remember one year in particular that she offered to drive to the retreat, but with one stipulation. We had to worship and pray the entire way. I was asked, somehow, because she thought I could handle it. It was on that trip that she turned me on to Mary Mary and some other artists.
+025-1.jpg)
But that was the new Janet. SOLD OUT.
She amazed me with her view of things, and how she would explain them to her children. She challenged me, without knowing it, to see things differently. He was HER JESUS. Discipline wasn't about right and wrong as much as it was about which way honored her Lord. It was as if she saw everything in a new light. I wanted to see things with that same light. I wanted what she had.
Then, last fall, we both were asked to attend a meeting to consider possibly mentoring new college students at our church. After hearing the "sales pitch" we both remarked "I want that for myself, too-- where do I get it?" She took it a step further. She asked me to disciple her. (WHAT??????) This woman whom I admired so deeply, and who was older than me, who I wanted to be more like in so many different ways, was asking me to mentor her. What to do? So I laughed her off, a few times. But she persisted. Deep within me was a huge feeling of unworthiness. Thoughts of insecurity flooded me like a river threatening its banks. Maybe she'll forget, I hoped. Nope. Did I mention that tenacity was one of her personality traits?
Once again, this fall, she asked if we could room together. Having room in our suite, I agreed.
One of my preferences was that I have my own bed. I had plenty of convincing reasons to justify why, and no one disagreed with me. Janet wondered what my problem was (although she never said it). That night she came over and laid down on top of the comforter beside me and we talked awhile. It was just like having a sister there to visit with. Very comfortable. I decided then, that I'd do things differently next year. I'd make room for Janet.
But there will be no next time. I assumed that Janet would always be there. She was healthy and in the prime of her life. I knew that no one is guaranteed tomorrow, but I think I get numbed by the seemingly endless succession of days. Until something like this happens. A headache. Aneurysm.
You see, it's easier to be mad at Him than mad at myself.
Let me explain. This beautiful woman died on Valentines day. She (and her doctor) thought she had a migraine. It was actually an aneurysm. Before anyone could diagnose it. it ruptured. She never regained consciousness. She underwent emergency surgery, but never recovered.
I first met Janet because she worked with my parents on a brilliant new idea for children's ministry. It was her brain-child. While I appreciated her amazing talent, I was not interested in children, OR children's ministry. She was a friend of my parents. There would be times over the years that she and I would both be at my parents house and she'd give me that look, - the one that says, "I know your sign says 'do not knock', but do you really mean it? Can't you come out and play?" I would choose not to answer. She would respect that.
Years passed. We both became mothers, we would see one another in passing, and be pleasant.
I respected her a lot for her talents and we worked together over the years on our church's passion play each spring. We wept at the foot of the cross together in costume. I admired the choices I saw her make regarding the adoption of her young nieces.
Fast forward to a few years ago. I can't remember exactly what year it was, but I remember it vividly. Our annual Ladies' retreat was in Roanoke, Va. Our speaker was phenomenal, but beyond that, the Holy Spirit moved on many of us that weekend. There were many stories of miracle babies, healing and restoration. Janet was one of those "banner" restorations. In a nutshell, she received a revelation of God's love for her. In a powerful way. Its outward expression was simply this... she would shout "JESUS IS IN THE HOUSE!!!"
And He was. He was powerfully in her "house". This multi-talented, but quiet, woman became outspoken, passionately expressive and filled with power from God himself.
They say you judge the health of a tree by its fruit, and absolutely no one could deny that her life was bearing fruit. This woman that I had little interest in knowing, now was exceptionally fascinating to me. (That's what the power of Jesus in your life can do..it will attract even stubborn people like me)
What was amazing was that, somehow, because I was one of the people with my hand on her shoulder and praying for her at the time she received this revelation of God's love, that somehow she felt closer to us. She would express this time and again, that she felt a real connection with those of us who were praying with her at the time. (I had absolutely nothing to do with it, I was only privileged to be a participant)
From that weekend on, our relationship grew. I loved her like a sister. We both home schooled and co-op'ed together. We would visit while feeding our children at the golden arches after co-op on Fridays. When she stopped homeschooling, we didn't see each other as much, but we were still friendly at church. I rejoiced with her at the marvelous provision of a baby girl (and she never complained, not once, about being at an advanced maternal age, as they put it now). In the fall she'd check with me about rooming together for the Ladies retreat again. We'd work something out. I remember one year in particular that she offered to drive to the retreat, but with one stipulation. We had to worship and pray the entire way. I was asked, somehow, because she thought I could handle it. It was on that trip that she turned me on to Mary Mary and some other artists.
+025-1.jpg)
But that was the new Janet. SOLD OUT.
She amazed me with her view of things, and how she would explain them to her children. She challenged me, without knowing it, to see things differently. He was HER JESUS. Discipline wasn't about right and wrong as much as it was about which way honored her Lord. It was as if she saw everything in a new light. I wanted to see things with that same light. I wanted what she had.
Then, last fall, we both were asked to attend a meeting to consider possibly mentoring new college students at our church. After hearing the "sales pitch" we both remarked "I want that for myself, too-- where do I get it?" She took it a step further. She asked me to disciple her. (WHAT??????) This woman whom I admired so deeply, and who was older than me, who I wanted to be more like in so many different ways, was asking me to mentor her. What to do? So I laughed her off, a few times. But she persisted. Deep within me was a huge feeling of unworthiness. Thoughts of insecurity flooded me like a river threatening its banks. Maybe she'll forget, I hoped. Nope. Did I mention that tenacity was one of her personality traits?
Once again, this fall, she asked if we could room together. Having room in our suite, I agreed.
One of my preferences was that I have my own bed. I had plenty of convincing reasons to justify why, and no one disagreed with me. Janet wondered what my problem was (although she never said it). That night she came over and laid down on top of the comforter beside me and we talked awhile. It was just like having a sister there to visit with. Very comfortable. I decided then, that I'd do things differently next year. I'd make room for Janet.
But there will be no next time. I assumed that Janet would always be there. She was healthy and in the prime of her life. I knew that no one is guaranteed tomorrow, but I think I get numbed by the seemingly endless succession of days. Until something like this happens. A headache. Aneurysm.
New decisions have to be made. New resolutions for the future, however long or short it may be.
So I was asked to write a brief note to be included in our church women's newsletter about Janet. While I would jump at the chance, and possibly be disappointed if not asked, it was a disturbing prospect when real. How could I write about someone that most of the readers would have known better, or even longer than I had? I won't digress further, but it was difficult, and cathartic. For now I can release my anger, some of the pain, but none of the tears...I think I'll keep them for awhile...+104+nJanet.jpg)
Here's what I submitted:
On Valentine's Day, a dear friend of ours received the best Valentine of her existence-eternal glory.
We were all shocked and saddened at our loss, and the greater loss known to her family. At the same time we rejoiced for her as she desperately wanted more of His presence- and the certainty she received her heart's desire.
Long before she had children of her own, Janet was passionate about capturing the hearts of little ones for Christ. She used her creativity to express His love to children. She "invented" the Praise Palace, wrote and starred as HopeWe WinSoles (a lost but very popular talk show host) and brought to life GCC's own version of the lovable "Grover". One Christmas she wrote new words to O Christmas Tree, for the little ones to sing praises to "O Tree of Life.. O Tree of Life."
Generosity and humility seemed to come easy for Janet. She was willing to give everything she had to bless those in need. She and Brian adopted her great-nieces when they needed a loving and stable home. She coordinated GCC's participation in the community soup kitchen downtown. Whenever she was asked, she served, even if it was in the shadows. She also served in unobserved ways, often coming to church during LOG week to clean where needed. When our church was in crisis, Janet was the one to call for, organize, and attend weeks of daily prayer at the church.
Janet had a strong connection with the Lord and passionately pursued Him. One year during Ladies Retreat she had a life altering experience with the presence of the Living God. She received a revelation of God's love that robbed her of any other description but this: JESUS IS IN THE HOUSE! This quiet, unobtrusive, woman became outspoken, gregarious and bold- about one thing. Jesus. The next retreat Janet insisted that those carpooling with her spend the trip worshipping rather than "chatting" all the way to Roanoke. She was sold out.
+025-2.jpg)
Janet loved the Lord so much that she laid her life down for many. And yet she lost nothing of herself in it. Her passion, amazing creativity and love for her Lord were contagious, wholehearted, and surely changed our world. The last time she left my house, her parting words were about the personal mountains she faced "I can't wait to see how Jesus is going to work this out" - I'm certain that she doesn't have to wait any longer. For today she's in Jesus' House.
PS. Mary Mary's "Shackles" was a song/artist that Janet turned me on to during that long trip to Roanoke --worshipping. They also played it at her funeral. Rock on girlfriend!!
The words to Shackles:
-
Take the shackles off my feet so I can dance
I just wanna praise you
I just wanna praise you
You broke the chains now I can lift my hands
And I'm gonna praise you
I'm gonna praise you
-
In the corners of my mind
I just can't seem to find
a reason to believe
That I can break free
Cause you see
I have been bound for so long
Felt like all hope is gone
But as I lift my hands, I understand
That I should praise you through my circumstance
-
Chorus:
Take the shackles off my feet so I can dance
I just wanna praise you
I just wanna praise you
You broke the chains now I can lift my hands
And I'm gonna praise you
I'm gonna praise you
-
-
Everything that could go wrong+024-1.jpg)
All went wrong at one time
So much pressure fell on me
I thought I was gonna lose my mind
But I know you wanna see
If I will hold on through these trials
But I need you to lift this load
Cause I can't take it no more
CHORUS
-
-
Been through the fire and the rain
Bound in every kind of way
But God has broken every chain
So let me go right now
-
Take the shackles off my feet so I can dance
I just wanna praise you
I just wanna praise you
You broke the chains now I can lift my hands
And I'm gonna praise you
So I was asked to write a brief note to be included in our church women's newsletter about Janet. While I would jump at the chance, and possibly be disappointed if not asked, it was a disturbing prospect when real. How could I write about someone that most of the readers would have known better, or even longer than I had? I won't digress further, but it was difficult, and cathartic. For now I can release my anger, some of the pain, but none of the tears...I think I'll keep them for awhile...
+104+nJanet.jpg)
Here's what I submitted:
On Valentine's Day, a dear friend of ours received the best Valentine of her existence-eternal glory.
We were all shocked and saddened at our loss, and the greater loss known to her family. At the same time we rejoiced for her as she desperately wanted more of His presence- and the certainty she received her heart's desire.
Long before she had children of her own, Janet was passionate about capturing the hearts of little ones for Christ. She used her creativity to express His love to children. She "invented" the Praise Palace, wrote and starred as HopeWe WinSoles (a lost but very popular talk show host) and brought to life GCC's own version of the lovable "Grover". One Christmas she wrote new words to O Christmas Tree, for the little ones to sing praises to "O Tree of Life.. O Tree of Life."
Generosity and humility seemed to come easy for Janet. She was willing to give everything she had to bless those in need. She and Brian adopted her great-nieces when they needed a loving and stable home. She coordinated GCC's participation in the community soup kitchen downtown. Whenever she was asked, she served, even if it was in the shadows. She also served in unobserved ways, often coming to church during LOG week to clean where needed. When our church was in crisis, Janet was the one to call for, organize, and attend weeks of daily prayer at the church.
Janet had a strong connection with the Lord and passionately pursued Him. One year during Ladies Retreat she had a life altering experience with the presence of the Living God. She received a revelation of God's love that robbed her of any other description but this: JESUS IS IN THE HOUSE!
This quiet, unobtrusive, woman became outspoken, gregarious and bold- about one thing. Jesus. The next retreat Janet insisted that those carpooling with her spend the trip worshipping rather than "chatting" all the way to Roanoke. She was sold out.+025-2.jpg)
Janet loved the Lord so much that she laid her life down for many. And yet she lost nothing of herself in it. Her passion, amazing creativity and love for her Lord were contagious, wholehearted, and surely changed our world. The last time she left my house, her parting words were about the personal mountains she faced "I can't wait to see how Jesus is going to work this out" - I'm certain that she doesn't have to wait any longer. For today she's in Jesus' House.
PS. Mary Mary's "Shackles" was a song/artist that Janet turned me on to during that long trip to Roanoke --worshipping. They also played it at her funeral. Rock on girlfriend!!
The words to Shackles:
-
Take the shackles off my feet so I can dance
I just wanna praise you
I just wanna praise you
You broke the chains now I can lift my hands
And I'm gonna praise you
I'm gonna praise you
-
In the corners of my mind
I just can't seem to find
a reason to believe
That I can break free
Cause you see
I have been bound for so long
Felt like all hope is gone
But as I lift my hands, I understand
That I should praise you through my circumstance
-
Chorus:
Take the shackles off my feet so I can dance
I just wanna praise you
I just wanna praise you
You broke the chains now I can lift my hands
And I'm gonna praise you
I'm gonna praise you
-
-
Everything that could go wrong
+024-1.jpg)
All went wrong at one time
So much pressure fell on me
I thought I was gonna lose my mind
But I know you wanna see
If I will hold on through these trials
But I need you to lift this load
Cause I can't take it no more
CHORUS
-
-
Been through the fire and the rain
Bound in every kind of way
But God has broken every chain
So let me go right now
-
Take the shackles off my feet so I can dance
I just wanna praise you
I just wanna praise you
You broke the chains now I can lift my hands
And I'm gonna praise you
